i spent today working and binging Bojack Horseman (fucking amazing btw) so this is just a few memes I've posted on my IG story this week

routine

I'm supposed to go to Pensacola at the end of February. I love going to Pensacon and seeing my family down there...but I kinda feel like I shouldn't go.

Not only because of money, but that is part of it. 

It's mainly because I've done really well in establishing a healthy routine and I'm scared to death to disrupt it right now.

I don't know. I won't be able to workout like I have been and we tend to eat a lot and not healthy. I know me, and I know it's going to be hard to get back into it if I take almost a week off.

It's hard. We'll see.

life is fragile

I'm the same age as Kobe Bryant. Seeing 1978-2020 is extremely jarring. I've been making a lot of positive changes and moves to improve my life, but wow. Just shows that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Don't take anyone or anything for granted. Do it now.

Been thinking about vlogging. Not sure if that would be interesting at all, but I have thoughts. Lol. Way to express yourself there, Rox.

failed again!

I've been doing so well at banking posts, that I forget to post when the bank is dry. Ah, well.

I recently bought Scrivener, I'm figuring it out right now. I think I'll like it once I understand it. 

Killing it, exercise wise. Some days getting in two workout a day. Imma get so SWOL. 

Nutrition is where I need to get it together. I've done better, so I'm not beating myself up too hard, but I can definitely do better. 

Money wise, not broke which is cool. Doing ok there. I think I needed to go through all I did last year to learn what not to do and how to live within my means. Everything happens for a reason.

J is floofy and sassy. Loving her catnip banana. Things are alright. 😊

oops

Totally thought I had something scheduled for today, but apparently not.

I feel really good. Like I'm in a good place right now. Nothing contingent on anyone else, it's just me and Miss beans, and that is fine. I need to get all my shit together before I take on someone else's. 

Think we are finally flea free, THANK GOD. that was a nightmare. She's much less itchy, I don't see any flea dirt left when I brush her, and I think we're good. Diatomaceous earth, I can't recommend it enough ❤️

It seems like everyone around me is having a rough time, and I feel bad for feeling so good. But last year was not the best for me, so I guess I shouldn't feel guilty. Cyclical. Shit happens, and it goes away.

Routine disruption...

So for the past few weeks, my morning routine has consisted of me getting up around 5:30, working out, feeding the cat and myself, journaling/meditation, pack my lunch, getting ready for work. And it's been working out really well.

But then last night, I went out to see the new Bad Boys movie. At 9. Like I've been snuggly in bed by ten most nights here lately haha. I have to be social, though. It's good to get out and not be a hermit. The movie was good and I had a good time...got home around midnight. Oof.

This morning, however...my cat was like hey, it's time to get up. I asked Google what time it was. 5:27 am. I used the bathroom and fed the cat and thought about getting in a workout...my body was like how about we go back to sleep. So I went back to sleep until about 8.

So no workout. No journaling, no meditation, didn't pack my lunch. Was all discombobulated.

Still got in a workout around 7. But I think I need to figure out a balance to being social and keeping my routine somewhat in tact.

I'm terrified to think about what happens when I go on vacation. I'm going to fall apart.

I'll be okay.

cat pic

I ran out of time to come up with something substantial, so enjoy my precious floofball

Middle of the month check...

So it is mid-January (pretty much) and here are my observations on not spending money:

1. It's really not that difficult. Those things that I thought I needed so badly? So far, I can apparently live without them. I think I'd buy things out of boredom. 

2. Still having money when payday rolls around is a weird, but also very nice, feeling. Go figure, it can be done. 

3. Just because something is on sale or clearance does not mean I need to buy it. This one is an important revelation to me. If I already have 100 cans of cat food, do I need to buy more just because it's on sale right now? No. Let's go through some of what we have, then buy more. I have so much crap that I've bought because it was a good deal, but then sits untouched for months/years/whatever.

4. Savings is cool for unexpected expenses. My battery died in my car. I was able to replace it without having to hit up Earnin or do anything unsavory for money. 

I did splurge and get my cat and I a chicken dinner tonight. I spent $10. And I can eat on this for a few days. It makes my cat very happy....but we don't have to have it EVERY week. 

Look at me, all learning how to not be a dumbass with money. [pats self on head] good job, me.

Unfortunately, there are still 4 more cards that need to be paid off (next one will be completed in June, and quite frankly, I couldn't be happier to get Capital One out of my life forever. 😠) but I'm doing what I can to get it taken care of. Hopefully I can figure out some way to throw more money at them so I can be done with this. 

Credit cards are evil, kids. If you use 'em, you better make sure you pay them off every month. Trust, it's for the best. DON'T CARRY A BALANCE.

My weight loss hasn't been going that great; while I'm doing much better with money, I'm still a dumbass with food. Working out, though--I'm doing awesome. My body is super into getting up at 5 am and moving, who would have thought.

Why do I keep doing this?

Letters. I like to write them. Hell, my first book was called The Letter.

It's just an easier way for me to express my feelings, because I am way better at expressing myself in writing. I don't word good from my face hole. 

But I keep giving letters to the guys I like, and that's never ended well for me, beginning with Randy Jenkins in sixth grade. You'd think I'd learn. 

It's just what I do, though. And sure, it hurts, but such is life. Maybe eventually I'll get it.

My brother was in the hospital this weekend, so that was crazy. I did stress eat a bit, but I have still been working out, so hopefully I haven't sabotaged myself too badly (she says, as she currently eats a cup of easy mac). He's OK, by the way. Still scary. You never want to see someone you love in that situation.

I have spent a little money, but mostly out of necessity. 

• Tires. I can't not drive.
• A bottle of water. Not really necessity, but I was at the hospital and thirsty.
• A DivaCup. My favorite bargain place had one for $12, which is really good for a diva cup. I wanted to try it again (I mean, you ultimately save money in the long run and it's better for the environment), so I did buy it. 

It was the craziest thing this Friday when I got paid...because I still had money. That's not a thing that happens, but I like it. It's only taken me four decades to get it together and not be a stupid person with money. Hopefully I can get my debt paid off within the next year or so, and then I really want to move. I need a change of scenery. 

Consistency.

Part of my theme for 2020 is "consistency."

Something I'm very bad at. 

I've been working out consistently for the past couple of weeks, so doing well there. Food, I'm doing better. 

My no spending challenge to myself is going well. I did spend $500 on tires, but that is a necessity. I can't be without a car. But the other day, I realized I get paid this week and it was jarring because...well, because I actually have money lol. That doesn't happen. 

It's only taken me four decades, but maybe I've finally learned the value of a dollar. 

I've posted here consistently so far. 

I haven't been doing well on writing my regular fiction; I need to get into the habit of writing a certain amount of time everyday.

Finishing what I start. Going to work on that this year. 

Exhale.

The past couple months have been a lot. People like their cheese during the holidays, and I struggled to keep up. I'd be ok with not making take and bake bries for at least six months and if I never hear the word "charcuterie" again, that's totally fine. 

Yesterday, for the first time since November, I've actually felt caught up at work and that was so nice. Got my shelf organized, and I can finally breathe again. 

Maybe now I can actually remember what day it is and actually make significant ground on my long form fiction. (I have a lot of notes and am excited about a lot of projects. 2020 will be a good year.) 

One of my biggest problems is consistency. (I may have mentioned this, I don't remember. My brain fog is still dissipating.) So I'm making a concerted effort to stick with writing everyday, posting blog posts MWF, and working out at least 4 times a week. 

I started a little before the new year, but so far so good. I got this.

As far as my no spending any money in January, so far I paid to renew my Beachbody on Demand membership, but I do consider that a necessity. I have some DVDs, sure, but on demand has so much more variety and Liift 4 is only available on demand. So I have to have it, so I will do the program I know I'll stick with.

Goals for January...

It's a new year, new decade, and all that jazz. You know what that means. Time to make resolutions and goals and whatnot that are almost immediately abandoned!

Except I'm going to try something different. Sticking with it. I've already mentioned my Healthy Wage. I think it's definitely doable, and I'm 5 lbs down already. (It's the same 5 I've been gaining and losing for months so I'm not too excited about it.) 

My other goal for January is to not spend any* money. (*outside of absolute necessity, like gas. I can't not drive. And obviously bills. But I don't need to buy lunch. I have food at home. Stuff like that.)

So far, so good. Hopefully I can save a bit by not spending.

One down, 4 to go. But yay for progress.

Consistency. That's my big issue. I plan on keeping myself accountable here.

2020. So crazy. I remember Y2K like yesterday. Time marches on.

So far, so good.

I haven't been perfect by any means, but that's ok. I'm doing a modified juice cleanse from LemonKind (I bought some salad fixings that I feel like if I don't eat them over the next few days, I'll wind up losing them.) and I've started working out regularly again (and oh, do I feel it. Ow.) so I should be able to hit my goal by June. 

We had pizza at work for New Year's...I mean, I couldn't pass that up. I'm still cheap and broke. But I just have to be mindful of how much I eat. And learn balance. 

I went to see CATS today. Don't do it. It's like a bad fever dream. I couldn't stay for the whole thing. Seeing Dame Judy Dench curled up in a basket and Sir Ian McKellan lapping water from a bowl...I was done. So much NO.

However, I'm really excited for In the Heights. I'm going to just cry for two hours, I think.

So far, 2020 is off to a good start. I'm optimistic for the new year. I would like some closure on some things, but hopefully that will come in time. I also need to be brave enough to ask some hard questions.

Stay tuned...

Goodbye, 2019.

I'm definitely ready to put this year to bed. In a sense, I do feel I was in a better place at the beginning of this year than I am currently. 

I started 2019 training at a new job. There was a guy I really liked, though I knew he was leaving soon, I...enjoyed his company. We'll leave it at that lol. (That's not untrue, I did enjoy spending time with him.)

He left, and it got me how sad I was about that. I had tried to keep it from happening, but he did get all up in my feels. I wound up hating that job and kinda of ending up in a depressive state. Gained about 30 lbs in 4 months. Thankfully was able to go back to my old job, which I do enjoy for the most part. 

Got sued. That was fun. A friend died. Went to Boston and Salem, loved it. Figuring out how to live as best I can with little money. Turned 41. Learned how to make butter, which is insanely easy. 

I want to go into the twenties roaring. I do feel stuck because of my debt, but that should be taken care of within the next couple of years and then I want to pick up roots and just go. 

Here's my visions for the next decade: 

I'll explain: 

• Macarons. I want the next decade to be full of great desserts. I'd like to eat macarons in France.
• Italy. As I mentioned, I want to pick up roots and be a nomad. I've always wanted to see Italy. Also...food.
• Maybe it's not about the happy ending. Maybe it's about the story. Self-explanatory.
• Couple on the beach. Hopefully I will find someone to join me on my adventures. But my happiness is not reliant on it. I'm good with me and the cat. 
• NYC. I do love the city. Not just that city. But I love city life. Always something going on, loads of great places to eat, and I would see ALL the shows. 
• Sushi. I want to eat sushi in Japan.
• Writing. I have to do it again. I gave up on myself. I owe it to myself to try again.
• Lin-Manuel Miranda. Essentially, his career is my dream. To write. To act in what I write. I don't necessarily need his level of fame, I just want to be able to live on my words. 
• Ms. J. By this time in 2029, Jack will be 17 if she is still around. It's not impossible. But I kind of hope we develop the technology to make her immortal because I love that cat more than most people. Not to say I won't do what's best for her when it comes down to it, but I will be a MESS when it's her time to cross the rainbow bridge. She's been there for me during some dark times and she knows all my secrets. I don't have (nor want) kids. She's my floofy baby. Hopefully she'll be around for a good, long time.

Happy 2020 everyone!