podcast!

https://anchor.fm/ontherox

I'm thinking "auditory blog."

We'll see.

Be safe out there, but don't be silent.

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My heart is so heavy.

I touched on this a couple days ago, but it's been weighing on me. 

Watching the video of George Floyd's murder (and that's what it clearly was) was gutting. I do not understand how anyone can watch that footage and not be devastated, angry, and horrified. If you weren't affected by it, I question your humanity. 

Admittedly, as a white woman, I can't claim to understand how it feels to be discriminated against because of my race. Putting my license and insurance info in my visor so I don't have to reach for anything has never crossed my mind until recently--that's white privilege. Every time something like this happens--and it is entirely TOO often--I get sad, I sign a petition, I donate money...but then I move on. 

But nothing changes. So many innocent people have lost their lives needlessly. Being black shouldn't be a death sentence. I don't know what more I can do, other than stop being silent.  THIS IS NOT OK. WE NEED TO CHANGE.  

A white kid (I know his name, I just don't want to acknowledge him) murders nine people in a church. Police not only arrest him peacefully, but get him something to eat because he's hungry. George Floyd was accused of using a fake $20 bill (which turned out to be real) and resisting arrest. What I saw was a scared, restrained man begging for his life. The car doors were open--WHY WAS HE NOT SITTING IN A CAR? Thankfully, the cop who killed him was finally arrested; but that's not enough. 

White people in Michigan protesting because they need a hair cut? Give 'em a break; they're good people. Black people in Minneapolis protesting over yet another needless innocent death? Thugs. 

Colin Kaepernick tried to peacefully make a point. He was absolutely right. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but maybe now people will listen. TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED. WAKE UP. PAY ATTENTION.

Yes, all lives matter. No one is saying they don't. But if you break your arm, do you want someone to say well, all bones matter. Well, your arm is broken, so the focus needs to be on your arm. We need to focus on black lives right now, because the justice system and health care system don't seem to think they matter. 

I see you. 

I hear you.

I am saddened and outraged for you. 

I'm trying to educate myself and be better and more aware. 

I won't be quiet anymore.

You absolutely matter. 

#blacklivesmatter

Spoke too soon.

So I guess where I owned it before and let it lapse, it's causing issues in getting my site back up and running.

I'm being drawn to start working for myself. I'm going to start looking for proofreading clients and hopefully start practicing reiki. It's scary, though; I need to have more confidence in myself.

I'm so saddened by the state of the world. Watching George Floyd be murdered and the cops responsible only be fired? I just don't know what to say. I wish I were shocked, but I'm not. Much like school shootings, this is our normal and we NEED to change it. 

I've signed petitions and whatnot, but I don't know what else I can actually DO.

Love and light to all; we definitely need more of it in these dark times.

got my domain back!

Lots has happened since I last posted here. Will be reviving roxannarussell.com (thank you, stimulus check) and hopefully my future endeavors will be successful. ❤️

@birdseyevegetables makes it super easy for me to mix up my favorite recipes and make a delicious meal. A happy dance after each bite! #linkinbio @BirdsEyeVegetables #BirdsEyeVegetables #FeedingAmerica #VeggiesGetVersatile #Sponsored

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Social distancing...

So I've come to realize that I actually do have a specific set of skills that can benefit people (extroverts in particular) in these trying times.

I'm an introvert. Avoiding crowds? Staying home? I've done that for over four decades now.

I'm a Gen X'er. We were latchkey kids who learned how to entertain ourselves...and we didn't have the internet back then, ya damn kids. 

I'm MADE for quarantine. Ironically, I have to keep working, but I digress.

So here is Roxy's Guide to Social Distancing:

• You're going to want to lounge around and watch Netflix for a few days. And absolutely do that for a couple days. Take some time and be a bum. But after a prolonged period of time, it will make you sad. We crave structure, so...
• Make a list. You know those things you wish you could do but you just don't have time for? Guess what! Congratulations, here's an abundance of time. Do the things!
• You will want to create some sort of routine. Wake up, take some time and do morning things--breakfast, work out, meditate, watch TV. Get dressed, even if it is just fresh PJs. Then, do some chores. Work, if you're working from home. Just be productive for a while.
• Take this time to learn something new. Learn a new language. Learn an instrument. Learn how to do makeup. Don't let your brain turn to mush.
• If you don't already exercise, exercise. It strengthens the immune system! Don't let your body turn to mush either. 
• Be creative! Paint something, write something, make something. Get reacquainted with your imagination.
• Go outside. Quarantine doesn't mean you can't go outside. Get some fresh air. Just make sure you stay adequately far away enough from others. 
• Don't panic. This too will pass. Try to stay positive. Be grateful for this time you can get things accomplished and come out of the quarantine that much better. 
• You can still hang out with your friends...remotely. We are so fortunate to live in an age where we can still be connected even if we are quarantined. So you actually aren't really alone.

Being alone isn't so bad! You might find you enjoy your own company! Even so, you can still talk to others easily. We can do this!

It's the end of the world as we know it...

Holy hell.

So the world has gone upside down since I last posted.

I personally am not too terribly worried about myself getting coronavirus. I do worry about my parents and my uncle, who are getting up there, but generally healthy otherwise.

I am not quarantined, because I work at a grocery store. WHICH, by the way, WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE. People seem to be treating this like a blizzard. Why so much toilet paper? Coronavirus is respiratory. WHAT? Are you buying food? Soap? Because that's what you need.

Also, just get what you need. Think of others.

If what you are looking for is out of stock, please don't yell at the workers. Most of them have no control over what is ordered or what is shipped. Right now, our trucks are BANANAS. (Well, only partially actual bananas. But we're getting a fuckton of stuff to try and keep up with you.)

Wash your hands. ...were you not already doing that?? Gross.

If you're sick, STAY HOME.

We will be OK. We will get through this.

However.

Yesterday, seeing where after a week of lockdown in Italy has caused the waters in the canals of Venice to run clear and be full of fish, swans returning, it dawned on me.

Maybe this is happening to show us that WE are the virus. WE ARE THE PROBLEM.

Climate change. We ignore it. So, OK, here's a motherfucking plague to make you press pause and pay attention. Without our constant interference, the earth is healing itself. We are the problem.

I include myself in this.

We need to WAKE UP and make some major changes to take better care of our planet.

Stay safe, loves. And pay attention.

Anticipating insanity today, but it's all good. Dance party in the car, hopefully can keep the groove in my heart all day lol #grooveisintheheart #icouldntaskforanother

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Because the world is a dumpster fire and we can all use a good laugh #gootters

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Gardein is passionate about helping the world eat less meat. Their plant-based options offer delicious meaty taste, and I love them even more for supporting #FeedingAmerica. #linkinbio @Gardein #Gardein #Sponsored

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hiatus

Have signed up for a few classes and going to pause on the blog, which I've gotten really off focusv anyway. 2020 = metamorphosis. Still. I'm working on it.

One area where I have been consistent...

...exercise. I've missed one day since December. I just finished round one of Liift 4 today. I'll start back on it again on Monday for round 2. I'll just try other workouts in the mean time.

I've been in a bit of a funk here lately. Lots of changes at work and I don't know how I feel about them. Hopefully it will all be for the best, but I don't feel optimistic. I love where I work and what I do, but I'm starting to remember the things I don't like about working there.

I can't just quit, because I need a consistent income. At least until I get out of debt, then I can reevaluate.

I've been exploring some options, but I still feel a bit stuck. If anyone would like to give me ten grand, that would like make my life right now lol.

musing

I think that I might need to limit my tv watching. Maybe I'll write about how much I love tv, but right now, suffice it to say: I love TV. A whole LOT.

but I think I'm watching a little too much right now, not focusing on things I need to focus on.

I'll limit it...once I finish The Good Place. I'm really into it right now lol.

oops part eleventy twelve

I totally thought about writing a post Monday, but it didn't actually come to fruition.

It's been a bit stressful. Inventory this weekend 😝.

Doing better with eating and still being consistent with exercise, so go me on that at least.

Will hopefully come up with good content soon.

struggling with consistency

So I missed posting yesterday. I have been working out consistently, but the past few days I haven't gotten up early for it. Food? I've been a garbage disposal. 

Gotta get completely back on track. No excuses.

What a day.

I tried making a vlog, but my life is pretty boring to be honest lol.

I woke up around 2 am, fell back asleep about an hour before my alarm, and was tired all day.

Work was...work. Bries came in out of date, which sucks that I won't get those sales but also can't say I'm mad about not having to make a bunch of take and bakes.

Finished season one of You which quite honestly was terrifying and makes me kind of ok that my cat is my valentine and also a little sad that no one has loved me that much, because I'm broken and fucked up.

Also Valentine's Day is a bullshit holiday. I'm not salty because I'm single. It really is a bullshit holiday.

A little wistful for last year. I had a good time then *wink*. But I fucked that up by catching feelings. Well, I admitted my feelings and he never responded, which we all know is a response in itself. Like, I knew he didn't reciprocate and that's fine. I said as much. But now we don't even really talk which sucks.

Got my workout in late today, leg day and kicked my ass. My legs are jello.

I didn't really get into what I said I was going to talk about, mainly because I don't really feel like gutting myself right now.

Actually, Friday would be the perfect day for that. I don't know. We'll see. I'm in an OK headspace, but a little fragile.

Oops.

I had the last post in my drafts and it was supposed to be published friday, but I forgot to schedule it. My bad.

Been having a little bout of the blues. Woke up yesterday with that familiar heavy exhaustion. Oh, hey depression. Been a minute.

It's not bad, though. Just mild. Little "hey, let's just sleep today and then eat an order of cheese bread and watch Netflix in the name of 'self care'." kinda thing.

Which is what I did, but then hated myself for it.

I've been working really hard to try and lose weight. I've lost a little. 10 lbs. It's so hard to lose, but dang easy to put on. Sigh.

Work is alright, but I feel a little threatened. It's a story I don't want to get into.

My cat is a precious floof, as she always is.

I guess part of my blahs are due to Valentine's Day coming up, we can talk about that on Wednesday! Lol.

Saw Birds of Prey Saturday. Loved it, but...

...I like Harley Quinn lol. I mentioned this in my IG stories, but while I wanted to be Wonder Woman growing up, I get Harley Quinn. I don't know what that says about me lol. 

Until Wednesday, ducklings. ✌

in my feelings

Badly Drawn Boy is my all-time favorite musical artist. I mean, The Hour of Bewilderbeast and Have You Fed the Fish? are sheer brilliance.

It's been about 8 years since he's released new music. I thought that might be it, that he was retired. And that's fine, you can't force creativity.

But he has a new song out and a new album coming out, which I have no doubt will be brilliant. Today, he went live on Instagram, just sitting in front of a piano, interacting with us and performing and I was just crying.

I mean, we take the internet for granted. I was just overwhelmed by watching my favorite artist who is in the UK, perform live for around 100 of his fans from around the world, and talk to us like were right there. Technology, it's crazy how far we have come. 

But if you aren't familiar with his work, go listen to him. He did the soundtrack to About a Boy too. The Shining is my personal favorite song of his. 

blah

It's been a day. Had to deal with a vendor being all up in my grill all day. Manager is leaving, which is a bummer because I really like her but I'm excited for her new opportunity. And my bff is coming over to the dept so that will be great. (For most. Some people will hate it) but I'm over today so much ugh

January review...

So my goal was to not spend any money during the month of January, aside from bills and necessities. 

I spent some money lol. But I did well overall--this really did make me consider exactly what I spend my money on and how I can budget better. It's been nice having money on payday, that's not a thing that usually happens.  

I bought a few things at Half Priced Bargains that, while I can definitely use it, I probably didn't need. I bought some marble cake protein powder from Arbonne. I definitely didn't need it, but it is pretty delicious. 

So I will definitely keep being more mindful of my spending. February, I think I will not eat any fast food. I'm trying to lose weight anyway, so it makes sense and works into saving money as well. 

Speaking of weight loss, I took my measurements and lost an inch and a half from my chest, waist, and thighs. Hips stayed the same. Gained a half inch in my biceps and calves. (cuz i'm gettin swole yo)

Still nervous to disrupt my routine. I'm serious, 2020 is a metamorphosis year for me. 

i spent today working and binging Bojack Horseman (fucking amazing btw) so this is just a few memes I've posted on my IG story this week

routine

I'm supposed to go to Pensacola at the end of February. I love going to Pensacon and seeing my family down there...but I kinda feel like I shouldn't go.

Not only because of money, but that is part of it. 

It's mainly because I've done really well in establishing a healthy routine and I'm scared to death to disrupt it right now.

I don't know. I won't be able to workout like I have been and we tend to eat a lot and not healthy. I know me, and I know it's going to be hard to get back into it if I take almost a week off.

It's hard. We'll see.

life is fragile

I'm the same age as Kobe Bryant. Seeing 1978-2020 is extremely jarring. I've been making a lot of positive changes and moves to improve my life, but wow. Just shows that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Don't take anyone or anything for granted. Do it now.

Been thinking about vlogging. Not sure if that would be interesting at all, but I have thoughts. Lol. Way to express yourself there, Rox.

failed again!

I've been doing so well at banking posts, that I forget to post when the bank is dry. Ah, well.

I recently bought Scrivener, I'm figuring it out right now. I think I'll like it once I understand it. 

Killing it, exercise wise. Some days getting in two workout a day. Imma get so SWOL. 

Nutrition is where I need to get it together. I've done better, so I'm not beating myself up too hard, but I can definitely do better. 

Money wise, not broke which is cool. Doing ok there. I think I needed to go through all I did last year to learn what not to do and how to live within my means. Everything happens for a reason.

J is floofy and sassy. Loving her catnip banana. Things are alright. 😊

oops

Totally thought I had something scheduled for today, but apparently not.

I feel really good. Like I'm in a good place right now. Nothing contingent on anyone else, it's just me and Miss beans, and that is fine. I need to get all my shit together before I take on someone else's. 

Think we are finally flea free, THANK GOD. that was a nightmare. She's much less itchy, I don't see any flea dirt left when I brush her, and I think we're good. Diatomaceous earth, I can't recommend it enough ❤️

It seems like everyone around me is having a rough time, and I feel bad for feeling so good. But last year was not the best for me, so I guess I shouldn't feel guilty. Cyclical. Shit happens, and it goes away.

Routine disruption...

So for the past few weeks, my morning routine has consisted of me getting up around 5:30, working out, feeding the cat and myself, journaling/meditation, pack my lunch, getting ready for work. And it's been working out really well.

But then last night, I went out to see the new Bad Boys movie. At 9. Like I've been snuggly in bed by ten most nights here lately haha. I have to be social, though. It's good to get out and not be a hermit. The movie was good and I had a good time...got home around midnight. Oof.

This morning, however...my cat was like hey, it's time to get up. I asked Google what time it was. 5:27 am. I used the bathroom and fed the cat and thought about getting in a workout...my body was like how about we go back to sleep. So I went back to sleep until about 8.

So no workout. No journaling, no meditation, didn't pack my lunch. Was all discombobulated.

Still got in a workout around 7. But I think I need to figure out a balance to being social and keeping my routine somewhat in tact.

I'm terrified to think about what happens when I go on vacation. I'm going to fall apart.

I'll be okay.

cat pic

I ran out of time to come up with something substantial, so enjoy my precious floofball

Middle of the month check...

So it is mid-January (pretty much) and here are my observations on not spending money:

1. It's really not that difficult. Those things that I thought I needed so badly? So far, I can apparently live without them. I think I'd buy things out of boredom. 

2. Still having money when payday rolls around is a weird, but also very nice, feeling. Go figure, it can be done. 

3. Just because something is on sale or clearance does not mean I need to buy it. This one is an important revelation to me. If I already have 100 cans of cat food, do I need to buy more just because it's on sale right now? No. Let's go through some of what we have, then buy more. I have so much crap that I've bought because it was a good deal, but then sits untouched for months/years/whatever.

4. Savings is cool for unexpected expenses. My battery died in my car. I was able to replace it without having to hit up Earnin or do anything unsavory for money. 

I did splurge and get my cat and I a chicken dinner tonight. I spent $10. And I can eat on this for a few days. It makes my cat very happy....but we don't have to have it EVERY week. 

Look at me, all learning how to not be a dumbass with money. [pats self on head] good job, me.

Unfortunately, there are still 4 more cards that need to be paid off (next one will be completed in June, and quite frankly, I couldn't be happier to get Capital One out of my life forever. 😠) but I'm doing what I can to get it taken care of. Hopefully I can figure out some way to throw more money at them so I can be done with this. 

Credit cards are evil, kids. If you use 'em, you better make sure you pay them off every month. Trust, it's for the best. DON'T CARRY A BALANCE.

My weight loss hasn't been going that great; while I'm doing much better with money, I'm still a dumbass with food. Working out, though--I'm doing awesome. My body is super into getting up at 5 am and moving, who would have thought.

Why do I keep doing this?

Letters. I like to write them. Hell, my first book was called The Letter.

It's just an easier way for me to express my feelings, because I am way better at expressing myself in writing. I don't word good from my face hole. 

But I keep giving letters to the guys I like, and that's never ended well for me, beginning with Randy Jenkins in sixth grade. You'd think I'd learn. 

It's just what I do, though. And sure, it hurts, but such is life. Maybe eventually I'll get it.

My brother was in the hospital this weekend, so that was crazy. I did stress eat a bit, but I have still been working out, so hopefully I haven't sabotaged myself too badly (she says, as she currently eats a cup of easy mac). He's OK, by the way. Still scary. You never want to see someone you love in that situation.

I have spent a little money, but mostly out of necessity. 

• Tires. I can't not drive.
• A bottle of water. Not really necessity, but I was at the hospital and thirsty.
• A DivaCup. My favorite bargain place had one for $12, which is really good for a diva cup. I wanted to try it again (I mean, you ultimately save money in the long run and it's better for the environment), so I did buy it. 

It was the craziest thing this Friday when I got paid...because I still had money. That's not a thing that happens, but I like it. It's only taken me four decades to get it together and not be a stupid person with money. Hopefully I can get my debt paid off within the next year or so, and then I really want to move. I need a change of scenery. 

Consistency.

Part of my theme for 2020 is "consistency."

Something I'm very bad at. 

I've been working out consistently for the past couple of weeks, so doing well there. Food, I'm doing better. 

My no spending challenge to myself is going well. I did spend $500 on tires, but that is a necessity. I can't be without a car. But the other day, I realized I get paid this week and it was jarring because...well, because I actually have money lol. That doesn't happen. 

It's only taken me four decades, but maybe I've finally learned the value of a dollar. 

I've posted here consistently so far. 

I haven't been doing well on writing my regular fiction; I need to get into the habit of writing a certain amount of time everyday.

Finishing what I start. Going to work on that this year. 

Exhale.

The past couple months have been a lot. People like their cheese during the holidays, and I struggled to keep up. I'd be ok with not making take and bake bries for at least six months and if I never hear the word "charcuterie" again, that's totally fine. 

Yesterday, for the first time since November, I've actually felt caught up at work and that was so nice. Got my shelf organized, and I can finally breathe again. 

Maybe now I can actually remember what day it is and actually make significant ground on my long form fiction. (I have a lot of notes and am excited about a lot of projects. 2020 will be a good year.) 

One of my biggest problems is consistency. (I may have mentioned this, I don't remember. My brain fog is still dissipating.) So I'm making a concerted effort to stick with writing everyday, posting blog posts MWF, and working out at least 4 times a week. 

I started a little before the new year, but so far so good. I got this.

As far as my no spending any money in January, so far I paid to renew my Beachbody on Demand membership, but I do consider that a necessity. I have some DVDs, sure, but on demand has so much more variety and Liift 4 is only available on demand. So I have to have it, so I will do the program I know I'll stick with.

Goals for January...

It's a new year, new decade, and all that jazz. You know what that means. Time to make resolutions and goals and whatnot that are almost immediately abandoned!

Except I'm going to try something different. Sticking with it. I've already mentioned my Healthy Wage. I think it's definitely doable, and I'm 5 lbs down already. (It's the same 5 I've been gaining and losing for months so I'm not too excited about it.) 

My other goal for January is to not spend any* money. (*outside of absolute necessity, like gas. I can't not drive. And obviously bills. But I don't need to buy lunch. I have food at home. Stuff like that.)

So far, so good. Hopefully I can save a bit by not spending.

One down, 4 to go. But yay for progress.

Consistency. That's my big issue. I plan on keeping myself accountable here.

2020. So crazy. I remember Y2K like yesterday. Time marches on.

So far, so good.

I haven't been perfect by any means, but that's ok. I'm doing a modified juice cleanse from LemonKind (I bought some salad fixings that I feel like if I don't eat them over the next few days, I'll wind up losing them.) and I've started working out regularly again (and oh, do I feel it. Ow.) so I should be able to hit my goal by June. 

We had pizza at work for New Year's...I mean, I couldn't pass that up. I'm still cheap and broke. But I just have to be mindful of how much I eat. And learn balance. 

I went to see CATS today. Don't do it. It's like a bad fever dream. I couldn't stay for the whole thing. Seeing Dame Judy Dench curled up in a basket and Sir Ian McKellan lapping water from a bowl...I was done. So much NO.

However, I'm really excited for In the Heights. I'm going to just cry for two hours, I think.

So far, 2020 is off to a good start. I'm optimistic for the new year. I would like some closure on some things, but hopefully that will come in time. I also need to be brave enough to ask some hard questions.

Stay tuned...

Goodbye, 2019.

I'm definitely ready to put this year to bed. In a sense, I do feel I was in a better place at the beginning of this year than I am currently. 

I started 2019 training at a new job. There was a guy I really liked, though I knew he was leaving soon, I...enjoyed his company. We'll leave it at that lol. (That's not untrue, I did enjoy spending time with him.)

He left, and it got me how sad I was about that. I had tried to keep it from happening, but he did get all up in my feels. I wound up hating that job and kinda of ending up in a depressive state. Gained about 30 lbs in 4 months. Thankfully was able to go back to my old job, which I do enjoy for the most part. 

Got sued. That was fun. A friend died. Went to Boston and Salem, loved it. Figuring out how to live as best I can with little money. Turned 41. Learned how to make butter, which is insanely easy. 

I want to go into the twenties roaring. I do feel stuck because of my debt, but that should be taken care of within the next couple of years and then I want to pick up roots and just go. 

Here's my visions for the next decade: 

I'll explain: 

• Macarons. I want the next decade to be full of great desserts. I'd like to eat macarons in France.
• Italy. As I mentioned, I want to pick up roots and be a nomad. I've always wanted to see Italy. Also...food.
• Maybe it's not about the happy ending. Maybe it's about the story. Self-explanatory.
• Couple on the beach. Hopefully I will find someone to join me on my adventures. But my happiness is not reliant on it. I'm good with me and the cat. 
• NYC. I do love the city. Not just that city. But I love city life. Always something going on, loads of great places to eat, and I would see ALL the shows. 
• Sushi. I want to eat sushi in Japan.
• Writing. I have to do it again. I gave up on myself. I owe it to myself to try again.
• Lin-Manuel Miranda. Essentially, his career is my dream. To write. To act in what I write. I don't necessarily need his level of fame, I just want to be able to live on my words. 
• Ms. J. By this time in 2029, Jack will be 17 if she is still around. It's not impossible. But I kind of hope we develop the technology to make her immortal because I love that cat more than most people. Not to say I won't do what's best for her when it comes down to it, but I will be a MESS when it's her time to cross the rainbow bridge. She's been there for me during some dark times and she knows all my secrets. I don't have (nor want) kids. She's my floofy baby. Hopefully she'll be around for a good, long time.

Happy 2020 everyone!