Betting on myself...

I got an email from Healthy Wage offering a $200 bonus to place a weight loss wager. 

Now, I'm broke. Money is very high stakes at the moment. But I decided to take the plunge and give it a go. $300 to lose 30 lbs in 6 months. If I do it, I win $1100 something.

Didn't you do this once before?

I sure did. And I lost. $600. But the difference this time is that I don't feel this is totally unreasonable. 5 lbs a month, that's totally doable as long as I'm not an idiot. Also, as I said, money is very high stakes. Moreso than last time. I *have* to win. 

So by the end of June, I need to be back to my pre-Citi weight...where I wanted to lose 50 lbs from lol. I just want to get back to where I feel comfortable and ok about myself, and right now, I'm very self-conscious and feel like an elephant. 

The biggest problem for me currently is eating healthy vs. eating cheap/free. But I'll get it. I have to get my money back!

Blah.

I feel like hot garbage. I don't know if it's the enchiladas I ate yesterday, but I had a migraine earlier and my head is still a bit achy. 

I had the craziest dream today. I'm glad I started using Evernote so I could make an audio note before I lost it to the ether. 

I'm going to do a juice cleanse to help jumpstart me to eating better again. Right now, though, my brain is basically telling me to go F myself. 

Holidays. Good times. I'm over it. 

Merry Christmas!

My anxiety has been bananas the past few weeks because work has been crazy. But the worst is over now. There's New Year's, sure, but Christmas was rough. Hopefully I can get myself back on track now. 

I mean, ya girl sold some damn cheese. Lol.

Me and the floof bear are going to rest now. Have a good one, and I will see you Friday.

Cheap Christmas

*sigh*...

I've been a bit down this year because normally I love to go big on Christmas, and this year...I just can't. 

I know, it's the thought that counts. And it really is. But I love to be able to give someone something I know they will absolutely love, regardless of the cost. 

But I'm a broke kid. So. This year has involved a lot of homemade gifts. 

Here's some things that I have made to give people this year: 

• Candles. You can get cheap wax and wicks from Wish (you can use my promo code "hlnrwgd" to save on a purchase. It says up to 50%, but expect maybe 5 or 10%). I've also used crayons and wax melts. Most of the time, I used the essential oils I have on hand for scents. Look up a tutorial on YouTube or Pinterest, and you're good to go. 
• Butter. What in the Amish? No, seriously. I had no idea how stupidly easy it was to make butter until I saw it on TikTok of all places. I've made some different flavored butters to give people and to eat myself. It's pretty delicious and I might never buy butter again.
• Cookies. I make a kickass chocolate chip cookie. 

Also, thankfully I had the foresight to pick up some stuff for gifts throughout the year so I wasn't completely boned. Don't wait for the end of the year to buy all your gifts--buy all year long. Hit all those sales and clearances up--no one's going to know or care if you got their gift on the cheap (or they shouldn't, anyway). It's the thought that counts, after all. 

Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas if you celebrate it; if not, enjoy your Wednesday.

The perks of anxiety?

So I've been eating like a bear about to hibernate for winter lately. (Aside: being a bear must kick ass. People are terrified of you, you eat whatever you want, and you get to just sleep through the winter. I'm down.)

My anxiety demon (introductions in a future post) has been having a field day for the past few weeks. I actually had a panic attack Tuesday. I am an emotional eater, so I've been shoving all the food in my face. 

I worked a crazy long day yesterday and figured I'd bite the bullet and weigh myself to see how much I've gained. 

I lost two pounds. 

I'm sorry, what? Like the day before I tore into a rotisserie chicken and ate a bag of rolls and two one pound sides. By myself. 

The only thing that I can think of is that my anxiety has kept my heart rate high enough (because I haven't been working out at all) to keep me from gaining weight. 

So...thanks, crippling anxiety? 

But since it is holiday times, I'm going to be the cliche for the eleventy thousandth time and try to get my shit together come New Year's. 

Now, I'm not really looking to get skinny...I just want to get back to where I'm comfortable. The weight I was before Citi. So that's about 25-30 lbs. Definitely doable in a year.  

Triggering my crazy

So I'm not a completely batshit insane person...most of the time.

One thing that will trigger my crazy, though? If I feel dismissed or ignored. I think it goes back to childhood. I rarely felt heard or seen, so it's festered and now I go a little crazy if I don't feel properly acknowledged. 

It's irrational. I know this. Life happens. But my brain goes ham on my rational side.

I'm working on a lot of things about myself, including this. It's hard to reroute some long, hardwired beliefs. It will take time. 

But at least I do acknowledge my flaws and shortcomings and try to work on them. 

I've said it many times before and I will say it again: I'm a work-in-progress, and I always will be. There will always be room for growth and change. 

I guess the point of this is just acknowledge me if I do something or say something. It will save me a lot of mental anguish. I would appreciate it very much, thank you. 

Dollar Tree is your best friend

If you are a broke kid like me, Dollar Tree is your BFF. Sure, there are certain things you probably shouldn't get at Dollar Tree, but more often than not, you can get the essentials for only a dollar. 

Things that if you aren't buying them at Dollar Tree, you're wasting your money:

• Party stuff/gift wrap. If you are throwing a party, you can pick up everything you need at Dollar Tree. Cups, napkins, silverware, plates, decorations. They have cute stuff and people probably would not think that it came from a dollar store. If you are giving a gift, get your gift wrap or gift bags and tissue paper there. Seriously, I don't know why you wouldn't. Which brings me to the next thing...
• Cards. You can pay more than a dollar for Hallmark elsewhere, or get a Hallmark card for a dollar. Do you. 
• Craft stuff. There are all kinds of beads, vases, floral foam, ribbon--you get my point, I don't have to list everything. 
• School supplies. For students and teachers. Save your money.
• Paper towels/napkins. Now, honestly, the best way to save money and be environmentally conscious, is to use cloth. But if you use them, get them there. 
• Cleaning supplies. Cleaners, brooms, gloves, steel wool, magic erasers, etc. Maybe not name brand, but works just as well.
• Cookware/Utensils. I've purchased all kinds of kitchen gadgets and silverware and pans at Dollar Tree and lived. 
• Certain foods. I have had some times where I've pretty much had to do my grocery shopping at Dollar Tree. I mean, you're not going to get fresh produce or anything like that, but bread, eggs, frozen veggies, frozen meals, snacks--they got you.
• Certain household supplies. It's hit and miss. It's a pretty easy judgment call, but in some instances, you do get what you pay for. 

Things I probably wouldn't buy at Dollar Tree, unless I was desperate:

• Toiletries. Unless it's a name brand that I know, I'm a bit leery of the bath and body section. Including makeup. 
• Drugs. There was just a whole thing about this. Much like the toiletries, unless it's a name brand that I know and trust, I'd avoid it. 

What about you? What are your Dollar Tree tips and tricks?

My volatile relationship with food

I have never had a healthy relationship with food. Or with men, for that matter. But I digress, this is about food. 

Growing up, healthy eating wasn't instilled in me. I was a super picky eater and basically lived on ramen and cold spaghetti-os. (I do still enjoy both. Spaghetti-Os are disgusting hot. Cold, however...so so good.)

I struggled with my weight growing up and I got a lot of "you know, you'd be so pretty if you just lost weight" and bullshit like that from my grandmother, who would also make me ride 5 miles on a stationary bike and wouldn't let me eat. (I not only found food, but I also would eat the center out of the peanut butter jar, so it still looked full but when you took the lid off, it was actually empty. #fatkidhacks)

I still yoyo. I have moments where I do really well eating, but I don't exercise; then, I work out like a fiend, but eat garbage. I'm bad for if x, then y. Like I've told myself "if I had a job away from food, then I can finally focus and lose weight." I got a job outside of food last year. I didn't think about the fact that I'd be sitting on my ass all day. Soooooooooooo...I gained a lot of weight during that time. I still haven't lost that weight, but I honestly haven't tried that hard. 

Right now, I'm also broke AF. So there's also the conundrum of eating healthy vs. not turning down free food (which usually isn't healthy). That's not to say that you can't eat healthy when you're struggling financially--you can. I've gotten frozen veggies at Dollar Tree...

...but I've also got ALL KINDS of microwave meals and ramen and macaroni and cheese, etc. And you know what's still in my freezer? Frozen veggies. 

I know Easy Mac has garbage nutritional value. But it's fucking delicious. And cheap.

Not an excuse, I know I know...and I'm 41, not a child. I should stop eating like one. 

So, that's why I'm doing this. Accountability and all that jazz. I at least want to lose the weight I gained last year and get back to where my clothes fit comfortably again. More would be good, but let's start there and work towards something else.

Obligatory intro post!

Hi. I'm Roxanna. I had a website that I couldn't afford to renew, so back to the free blog! 

Nothing wrong with that; we do what we have to do.

I have two books out that I published badly:

The Letter , originally published in 2005, now available to read on Inkitt.
Crazy Little Thing , self-published in 2012 on Amazon during a depressive episode, which was dumb because I was not motivated to market it. I just wanted to get it out there. 

I have 5 other drafts that aren't published and really need polished before getting out there. A couple of them are so dated that I don't think they would play well now. (One deals with mass shooting, the other with gay marriage. Times have changed a lot during the tens, not necessarily for the better.)

I basically gave up on writing after publishing Crazy Little Thing. I've started things here and there, but never actually completed anything. I pay the bills by being a fancy cheese slinger. (Cheese Specialist is the actual title, but I think I'd like to start going by Dairy Queen. I guess there might be a copyright issue there, so fine. Cheese Specialist I will stay.)

I've been complacent and settled for years, and though I'm not unhappy, I'm not fulfilled. So I'm blowing the cobwebs out of my brain and getting words back on the page. 

What you can expect to read here: my goal is to update on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Mondays will be about living your best life when you're broke AF. Wednesdays will be more of whatever I want to talk about or updates on what I'm working on. Fridays will be about fitness and weight loss and my struggles with consistency. Or I might just post pictures of my cat. 

I mean, she is just the most precious floofer pie. 

So, thanks for stopping by. Please feel free to check out my work and leave a review if you don't mind. I appreciate it and I hope you stick around! I feel like 2020 is going to be a big year.