My volatile relationship with food

I have never had a healthy relationship with food. Or with men, for that matter. But I digress, this is about food. 

Growing up, healthy eating wasn't instilled in me. I was a super picky eater and basically lived on ramen and cold spaghetti-os. (I do still enjoy both. Spaghetti-Os are disgusting hot. Cold, however...so so good.)

I struggled with my weight growing up and I got a lot of "you know, you'd be so pretty if you just lost weight" and bullshit like that from my grandmother, who would also make me ride 5 miles on a stationary bike and wouldn't let me eat. (I not only found food, but I also would eat the center out of the peanut butter jar, so it still looked full but when you took the lid off, it was actually empty. #fatkidhacks)

I still yoyo. I have moments where I do really well eating, but I don't exercise; then, I work out like a fiend, but eat garbage. I'm bad for if x, then y. Like I've told myself "if I had a job away from food, then I can finally focus and lose weight." I got a job outside of food last year. I didn't think about the fact that I'd be sitting on my ass all day. Soooooooooooo...I gained a lot of weight during that time. I still haven't lost that weight, but I honestly haven't tried that hard. 

Right now, I'm also broke AF. So there's also the conundrum of eating healthy vs. not turning down free food (which usually isn't healthy). That's not to say that you can't eat healthy when you're struggling financially--you can. I've gotten frozen veggies at Dollar Tree...

...but I've also got ALL KINDS of microwave meals and ramen and macaroni and cheese, etc. And you know what's still in my freezer? Frozen veggies. 

I know Easy Mac has garbage nutritional value. But it's fucking delicious. And cheap.

Not an excuse, I know I know...and I'm 41, not a child. I should stop eating like one. 

So, that's why I'm doing this. Accountability and all that jazz. I at least want to lose the weight I gained last year and get back to where my clothes fit comfortably again. More would be good, but let's start there and work towards something else.